When I got home my girlfriend had two of her friends round. “Here he is” she said “We were thinking of having a foursome if you’re up for it!?” She smiled and winked. Two minutes later I appeared completely naked, dick in hand. They had tennis rackets in theirs!
My wife rang me at work today. She wispered “when you get home I will be naked in bed” “The kids are staying at their friends tonight aren’t they” I asked. “They sure are she giggled”
“Great” I replied. “I’ll stay in their room!”
Burnt the wife by mistake last night. She said “if you turn off the bedside lamp, I’ll take it up the arse”
Suppose I should have waited for it to cool down first!
I went to a fortune teller last week. She studied my hand and said “ You’ve been masturbating” I said “Wow you’re good. Can you tell me something about my future?” She looked at my face and said “You’ll be doing it for a very long time!”
My wife came down from having a bath, gave me a wink and said “I shaved my pussy in the bath and you know what that means!?” I replied “The fu@#ing plug hole is blocked again!”
Two couples on holiday and husbands Paul and Dave decide to try and get their wives to wife swap. Amazingly they agree but Paul knows his wife is on her time of the month so he has got one up on Dave. They agree that at breakfast they’ll tap the spoon on the table however many times they shagged each others wives.
Next morning Paul grins and taps twice, looks across at Dave who smiles and taps once on the jam and three times on the nutella.
A couple are having sex in the garden at night. He says “I wish I had a torch” She said “so do I! You’ve been licking that slug on the floor for the last 10 minutes!”
My girlfriend left me because of my fetish for shoving pasta up her arse. Now she’s left I’m feeling cannelloni.
I caught my 7 year old son about to steal a chocolate biscuit from the cupboard. I said “Oi, I wouldn’t do that if I were you!” He said “no, but you’d put your cock in Aunty Sarah’s arse while Mum’s at work…” I said “there are some chocolate ones in the fridge”
How unlucky is my sister, she hasn’t had sex for years in case of disease. She’s just caught E. Coli off a cucumber!
I found a hole in my trainer that’s big enough to put my finger in. Now she’s made a formal complaint and I’m banned from the gym!
After sex last night my new girlfriend snuggled up next to me and said “you are by far the biggest I‘ve ever had” Apparently “Ditto” isn’t the right response.