I have been thinking about divorce for the past three years (at least)
I have been married to my husband for 14 years and have two kids together (12 and 9). If I’m being truly honest, I’m just not in love with him any more. He’s become lazy and ungrateful. We never do anything together anymore. We live together but have completely different lives.
I have tried to talk to him about how unhappy I am in our marriage and he just shuts down and doesn’t want to talk about it. I love our children so much and I just can’t face breaking up the family by asking for a divorce. I am terrified that they will hate me. But each and every day seems harder to stay in my marriage and I just feel so miserable.
I’m so torn between my brain and my heart. My brain is saying stay for the kids and my heart is telling me to get the divorce so I can be free and start to get my own life back.
Please help me, any advice welcome.
I do understand you feeling torn but I also think you already know what you need to do. Deep down, you know. Divorce is never easy and whenever I work with couples thinking about divorce I always ask both people if they actually want to make it work. Dig deep, being truly honest with yourself and ask yourself the question – do I want to make it work? If the answer is yes (even just a tiny yes) then great, there is still hope to rekindle the passion, love and excitement in the relationship. However, if the answer is no, unfortunately, divorce is something that you will have to face. Just know that whatever you choose, you will be ok in the end!
We all usually know what is right for us. Inevitably this changes as we grow emotionally and mentally. So what was right for you 14 years ago may not be right for you now. I am a firm believer that life is so short and so precious. We literally can’t waste any of our precious lives doing things that don’t make us happy.
I am a parent myself and I totally understand where you’re coming from with worry about how the kids will handle the divorce (if you choose to get one) BUT children are very resourceful and I always think that children would much prefer two happy parents than two unhappy parents. Yes the change will be tough for them but the bottom line is family is family no matter what, and we should support each-others decisions, even if it’s hard for us to take. It is a great lesson to learn in life.
I know that mothers tend to always put their children first but if you put your happiness on a back burner, you may end up feeling angry, regretful and even resentful. Ultimately we always have to do what’s right for us. If you are struggling with this concept, always remember that you are a role model to your children.
Let me ask you this question – if your child/ children came to you and said they were really unhappy (and had been for over THREE years) what advice would you give them? Would you ever want your child/ children to be in a relationship that was breaking down their spirit and making them feel trapped or unhappy? I’m guessing the answer is no. Try to be strong and do what’s right for you. Everything else will fall into place. Yes your children may feel hurt or confused by the divorce but it doesn’t mean you or your husband will love them any less. They will get over it and I’m sure once the dust has settled everyone will be happy in the long run.
Also by staying in your relationship you are preventing yourself (and your husband) from finding true happiness with anyone else, if that is something you hope for in the future.
Life is too short to waste another day, week, month or year in a situation that is making you this unhappy.
Wishing you all the best Margaret,
Sending you love and strength